Just breathe

Here we are again, anxiety and myself have a sick twisted relationship.

Sometimes I can control it, lately I’ve been struggling. 

Heart beating like I’ve been hiking a mountain, hands sweaty and trembling, head spinning with thoughts and memories.

I’m a prisoner held captive inside my own head.

Just breath… it doesn’t fucking help, makes me want to puke.

I hate that my body, my brain, my soul, they are all screaming different commands and I don’t know how to react.

Death isn’t the answer life is but how to do live when you don’t know how.

I will live, I will survive, I will learn how to control this demon.

Everyday that passes is another step forward. 

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I can’t escape you even when your gone

It’s entirely too early to pick just one song to fit my current emotions, but its going to be an angry one. 

I went to bed last night with my alarm set for 8am and I made a promise to myself I would get up, start working on my project and make today my bitch. It never fails, without you even initiating it you were the first thing grabbing my attention as I wake up abrubtly from the sound of my phone ringing at 7:45. You couldn’t even let me sleep till my alarm asshole. 

It was your boss man, you know the one that applauded you for making an effort to face your responsibilites, the one they gave you a chance and believed in you, the one that I suspect you already knew was also suspicious of your irradic behavior. He wanted to let me know he had confirmation your friend Dick had indeed brought you to the airport. I really don’t like Dick, Dick should have helped you get treatment, not run away. But Dick has wanted you gone for a long time, he was always jealous of you and ate your pain and suffering up for his own enjoyment. But enough about Dick, he’ll reap what he sows- 

Your boss really liked you and is hurt just like the rest of us you refused to get help. Hurt that you couldn’t even let him know you were leaving. But you know no one cares about you, no one wants to see you succeed, everyone was just using you. You made sure to turn every single persons life who gave a fuck about you upside down in your tornado of confusion and denial. 

Exhale- is what you want, is what you need -And what you need is what you really really want? I’m not in your head but I’m scared for you. Your not me, you will never be me, I’ve dealt with feelings you haven’t even to accept you have yet. You can’t keep up your act forever, if there is anything I’ve learned from being a fuck ass person to the people that loved me, it’s you can’t run from your demons. They live inside you and it’s their mission to fuck you. When you think things are going good they smack you in the chest with pain and anguish. You can’t be happy after you’ve caused so much pain. I tried to save you from making the same mistakes I did, and ended up making the same mistakes right along with you all over again even though I knew better. Because I loved you and didn’t want you to suffer alone. I wanted to better myself by helping you, I thought I could make up for all the bad I did by making you better. 

I can’t make anyone better but myself. I am already better, I will always be one step ahead of you and you will live the rest of your life trying to reach my level. 

Have mother fucking fun your little bitch. I have a song for you… 

https://youtu.be/RV64woSXcts